Reflecting on my 30s and Turning 40.

HAPPY MAY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME!! 

I have never been one of those women who lies about her age, never, what is the point anyway?! And you know what, I have never had to. Lucky! And I thank my genes for that. I may have been 19 when I got my first grey hair - thanks Mom LOL (it is genetics) - nothing that some hair dye cannot cover. All jokes aside regarding my grey hair, I also have to thank my mom for my good skin with few wrinkles (and through the years I have barely used any products), for my voice that sounds a lot like hers and for my curves. But I didn't inherit her gorgeous sky blue eyes.

I have never lied about my age and I won't lie now as I turn 40 either. On a bad day I show my age. On a good day I look 3-5 years younger and on a great day I look up to 8 years younger, at least that's what people tell me. And this year I turn 40, I change digits, I am a full decade older than when I last changed digits. And if I am being perfectly honest and brutally raw, this decade has been tough and unexpected, full of ups and lots of downs, it has been a roller-coaster for my heart: physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, socially, geographically, you name it. Speaking of geography, in my 30s I lived in two different continents. I started my thirties in USA and a couple of years later left for Europe where I lived in the capital of Albania - Tirana, from which I have beautiful memories that I will treasure forever, from my job and my dear co-workers, to my dear friends, all the new friendships I made, all the old friendships I rekindled, to the numerous TV appearances. Yes, during those short years in Albania, I became "a tiny bit famous" and my job connected me to so many high profile and intellectual people. I got to know several of them, I was interviewed by others and I was asked to appear on TV shows a handful of times. Then, 4 years later I moved back to my home away from home, I came back here in Michigan, very close to my family once again and always close to my heart. After all Michigan had been my home since the mid 90s, it is the place I got my driver's license as a teenager, the place I graduated high school and college from, the place I bought and drove my first car (I remember my gold Chevrolet so well: that car drove me to so many places, including parties in Detroit when I was under age - good times). That car gave me a couple of speeding tickets too. But coming back to Michigan, this time as a mom, was fate. So when I say my 30s have been a roller-coaster, trust me I am not exaggerating, not for one minute.

As I say goodbye to my thirties today, I can say that I have cried a lot, I have been hurt a lot, I have learned a lot, I have struggled in every area possible - brutal honesty right here. I have dropped buckets of tears. I have fought, yelled and screamed and I have had so many headaches and migraines. But I have also gotten so much stronger and resilient. I have learned patience more than ever before (especially after motherhood). I have raised from the ashes like a phoenix. I have survived and I have raised myself up, even after the worst day I may have had. During this decade I had so much loss, so many tears and even fake smiles I had to fake for the sake of smiling. And if I have learned one thing from my thirties is to laugh and smile as much as possible, it will annoy even more your enemies and people that envy or hate you, and trust me everyone has at least someone who wants to make your life miserable and see you fail, cry and frown. Don't give them a reason to. They are not worth it!! I have taught myself that and keep teaching myself this little 'lesson' every day, even if some days it seems impossible. 

When I first started this decade and turned 30 years old, I was happily married. I was also slimmer, and probably felt and looked prettier, sexier, better-looking. But you know what, it's what's inside that counts the most! And inside me are 4 decades of trials and tribulations, stairs I have gone up and down, experiences, mistakes and perhaps a regret or two! Inside my wrinkles are days, weeks, months and years I have lived, through tears of joy and tears of sorrow. On the outside of my body at some point there have been cuts, bruises, burns, paper-cuts, sunburns, mosquito bites, swelling, redness and many marks which have healed and none of you can see, but they have been part of my life, part of my journey, they made me - me! And they made me STRONGER, much much stronger!

When I was 30 I was married, while now as I turn 40 I am no longer married but very happy nevertheless, I have gained more pounds, more grey hair, more wrinkles, but I have also grown thicker skin, a brighter mind, and the best thing of all I have gained a new title. Because the thirties were the decade that would give me a new title - that of a mother - and it is the most beautiful, most precious, most gratifying, most respectful, most important, most rewarding, sweetest, best title of all - and I think every woman who has become a mom knows that. Vivian has changed my life 180 degrees. And she keeps changing it every day, especially now when she is 7 years old and understands so much. She has truly become my little best friend. The best friend I get to share a home with and most likely than not, a bed with. The little best friend who makes me laugh so much, every single day because she is simply funny, smart and just brilliant! There is not a week that goes by where I don't hear the words "You are a great mom". I hear these words from my own mom, from my parents, my cousins, my family members, co-workers, friends, virtual friends, strangers I run to in stores, the mall, the park, the library, her school, etc. I hear these words daily from my friends on Instagram and Facebook. If I do everything else wrong in life, I know I am doing one thing right - Motherhood - and it is the thing I want to be remembered for the most "She was a fantastic mother."  Honestly I was meant to be a mom and before the birth of my daughter Vivian, life seems so different and empty in so many ways. I was meant to be a mom and if it was entirely up to me I would have been a mom since my mid 20s and I would have had 3 kids by now. But it's OK, everything in life happens for a reason and I have no regrets. Mistakes - YES - I have made a bunch and I am sure my 40s will be filled with them too. But the day I put myself and my daughter first and decided to get away from a relationship that made me unhappy and unfulfilled - in which I often had to fight so much and there was a push-pull communication that wasn't effortless at all - was a day I will never forget. By far the hardest decision I had to ever make in life, and the most difficult decision I made in my thirties, but it felt necessary and it proved to be so, later on. I cried so much in the beginning when my marriage broke down. I cried on the inside, I cried on the outside. I started questioning everything: my mind, my heart, my feelings, my fears. It was a horrible and very hard 3-5 months after that breakup, but one day I woke up and decided not to cry anymore. I am a firm believer that we ourselves are the people that choose our own happiness even if destiny plays a big role on it too. So I pulled myself together and decided that was going to be the day I would feel great about my decision, even-though I still loved him, even-though our child was a young toddler and even if that meant I would raise her on my own as a single mother. And you know what there is nothing wrong with that?! Some of the single moms in this world have raised some of the best sons and daughters!

I know life is very tough but you know what so am I. And when you put things into perspective like that, things start getting better. Where there is darkness, you suddenly start seeing some light, even if it just a tiny semi-shady little flicker. Where a chapter closes abruptly, another one starts and it can be better than the previous one. Where a door closes, a window opens and it can bring you so much fresh air, clean oxygen, lots of sunshine and romantic raindrops that clean your soul and make you feel good about yourself.  Where love left you broken, shattered, desperate, hopeless, broken-hearted, love can once again come and make you full, fulfilled, kind, hopeful, beautiful! Where people abandoned you for whatever reason, others can come in your life and make it more meaningful. Where fate decided to be cruel to you, it can also come back and make you faithful in a better future. And again it is all about PERSPECTIVE - which was also my 'chosen word' for 2020. If you put things into perspective and if you look at the glass as half-full or at its worst as just half (not half-empty), great things can come your way, beauty can be born in the midst of all the ugliness, a baby can entirely change your life just like it changed mine and this gorgeous child can put things even into more perspective, especially now during a horrific pandemic. And what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That is certainly true and even in regards to Covid-19. Don't let anyone ever steal your sparkle! Even if they try to. You each have an invisible crown on your head and it is only YOU who can take off that crown, who can take away some of its jewels or let it forever shine and sparkle!

CHEERS TO A NEW DECADE. HERE IS TO THE SAME ME IN A NEW AGE BRACKET, IN A NEW DECADE! HERE IS TO 40!!

P.S. Stay Tuned on Monday May 4th 2020, the day of my actual birthday because at noon Eastern Time, a very special Fashion-Related Birthday Post will go live here on the blog. And it is the biggest and best Birthday Bash yet! Thank you in advance to everyone that will participate!!